Monday, July 16


One of the cruellest things about parenting and responsibility is the accompanying guilt.

Why aren't I doing it right?

Why is [insert anyone from baby group] so good at this and I am not?

Why do the creatures we love so much try us?

Why do they press our buttons when we just want the best for them?

Why can't I do this?

When can I run away?

What is wrong with me?

Some days it is relentless in it's let up of internal criticism. Some days I just want to walk out the door and I run and run until my feet fall off. Some days I want someone 'proper' to take over.

Of course I don't.

The furthest I've ever run to is my bedroom; just metres if that. I won't even lock myself in the bathroom.

Some days I don't know if it is being "just a mum" or if it is a throw back to the days of NICU and the accompanying uphill struggle that has been oral aversion, recurrent admissions and a scary unknown future. I can't forget. I wish I could. But the pain is still there in the background, lurking. Waiting around the corner. Waiting for the light of my life to close her sleepy eyes when the grief will pounce and smother me until I can fight no more.

I thought I had this depression, this rememberance, these experiences under control. Somehow, behind my back they have broken free of their shackles and crept up to tap me on the shoulder.

I am so tired.

Today it was all I could do but to curl up in ball on the floor while Wriggles pulled everything off the bookshelf half-watching In the Night Garden.

I have no idea what Iggle Piggle did with Upsy Dasiy. My eyes were closed. My brain was numb. I felt nothing, saw nothing, heard nothing. I should have been awake, alive. I should have been playing with my precious child. But I couldn't. I selfishly couldn't find the strength to even sit up or mumble through The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

Why is it all so hard?

When can I move on?

When can I get it right?

When can I have happy moments all day and everyday?

If not for me, then for Wriggles. Please. She deserves it.


  1. Hey, you're a work in progress. Don't beat yourself up for it not all being behind you. You are having to struggle through challenges that the majority are blissfully unaware of. Don't be hard on yourself.

    You know how on my blog I have written about how I have moved on and how all the PTSD and depression is behind me? Well it is, sort of. But that doesn't mean I never have days or weeks where things just seem too hard. I've had a few lately as my daughter becomes more challenging and defiant. And I think "I can't do this"

    I think that once you have suffered PTSD/PND or anything like then you are always going to have tough times. A little bit like the alcoholic who can't have one drink or they're right back again. Well I think that sometimes a little little stress on top of someone who reached their stress threshold can have a similar effect and cause another meltdown.

    In other words, I think you're perfectly normal considering and we can't all be supermum every day. But that is not to minimise how you feel. Just know that you're not the only one x

    1. Thanks Mrs Beadzoid! It's great to hear from someone a) removed and b) further down the line. Very true about the 'one more drink..' comparison. I guess it's all a game of juggling...and would be much easier for well behaved angels all day long! But then maybe that would get boring?! Thanks again x

    2. Oh you're welcome. And easier yes, but less fun eh? We certainly earn our mummying stripes! You'll have caught me up along the road in no time, in fact I'll be heading backwards if a certain little madam keeps driving me round the bend!!!! :D x

  2. I think every parent has days like this. I have days when all I do is cry, still, even after nearly a year and a half. Days when I just ask myself why is this so hard? I think it's getting easier, these days are less and less often, and the good days when things are easy make the hard days worth it. Don't beat yourself up, you are doing a good job, and whatever the other mums may say they do, or claim to be able to do, you can bet they have days where they too have a weep. Every friend of mine who has children has said they did or do. Remember too that you have it harder than most of the rest of us with the added challenges of Wriggles being so premature. I hope you don't mind but I occasionally share things you've written with my husband, as I find it helps to give us a sense of perspective - I read your posts and really admire you for how much courage you must have. You can tell how much you love your daughter, and if I can tell that, reading posts and never having met you, then I'm certain that Wriggles is picking it up too and knows how much she means to her mummy.

    Big big hugs xx

    1. Thank you Emma for your kind words. Writing it down puts it into perspective, as you say, we all have bad days or when even (small) children push you so close to the edge. I must stock up on chocolate biscuits as rewards! Thanks again xx

  3. Hope its helped to write it down. Some days ate just so hard. I don't think a couple of hours letting little ones potter around is going to do her any harm. Hope tomorrow is a better day.

  4. You know what the best thing anyone ever said to me on days like those? "Today is just a bad day." You know what hun? Today is just a bad day. Nothing more, nothing less. Not every day will be like this, tomorrow WILL be better. It's ok to have days like this, don't beat yourself up over it. You are not a bad parent, there is no better parent for your child other than you. Rest assured that you are a great mother xx