I am angry. So angry. I know I shouldn't be but there are so many things I want to say to you. Maybe it's not healthy nearly 2 years on but I need to get this off my chest.
You denied me my role of motherhood. You took away my basic rights as a parent. You can SAY I'm still the mum, but how was I really being a mum just sitting? Sitting and staring. Watching and waiting. That's not parenting.
Do you know how demeaning it is to ask for permission to touch my baby? Not even hold, but touch? And when told, albeit gently, no not now, no not today, how you snapped my fragile heart and stamped over it before brushing it aside for dead.
How patronising and sad it is to have cuddles put on a rota, as if it was another chore to tick off. 15 minutes a day; 3pm after cares.
How I felt as small as a gnat, no smaller, as worthless as a flea because I wasn't breastfeeding. I couldn't even do that and you didn't care. You didn't even say, don't worry because it wasn't important as long as my child grew.
You smashed every one of my dreams and preconceptions of my first child, my baby I will never ever recover or now live. My innocence was lost within hours. It doesn't matter if I go on to have another baby; I will never get those hours back with her.
You were rubbish at sharing. All those weeks and I could only visit. Every night I had to leave. Every night I had to leave my baby with someone else. Someone very kind and very skilled but a stranger. Every night I had to accept that someone else would comfort my baby because I couldn't be there to do it, and might get to hold her precious hands while I wasn't allowed.
You had the most important job in the world looking after tiny vulnerable beings that were each the centre of someone's universe and yet you had no compassion. Day in day out some babies would get sick. Worse, some might leave this earth. Why didn't you do something? Something more?
You weren't me. You might have cared for my baby but you will never love her and you took her from me when she needed love the most.
but maybe not that kind,
ps. By the way, thanks for y'know, saving my baby's life and looking after her. Thanks for giving her the chance to live so we could both be happy today. More than happy. Um. Maybe you could just ignore all of the above?
*screws letter up and throws it in the bin*