Monday, April 16

Letting Go

As silly as it may sound, I am afraid of letting go of the past. Despite the pain and disruption that neonatal and PICU have caused, I am scared of forgetting them and moving on. They are such an important part of our lives and whilst caused unimaginiable hurt, they also made me intensely grateful and changed the way I look at things now. They are so integral to Wriggles' journey and health, how can I just write the experiences off? How can I move on when they can loom so large?

Because things are different now.

Because this:

Is not this:

We spend far less time in hospital now. Far less. It doesn't define us anymore, not all the time. No one automatically assumes Wriggles was premature, not by sight. You can't even see as much of her flat preemie head with her unruly baby hair curling over. 

So why do I still dwell on it?

Why do I sit and think and crave information?

Why do I still feel it as keenly today as I did then?

Why, when I want normality so desperately, do I shy away?

Is it because there are still things that loom, like the oral aversion and the ongoing involvement of a range of health professionals?

Is it because we still end up in hospital with a simple virus?

Is it still having to tell the whole story everytime we go to an appointment or have an admission or a development check?

Is it because as much as I don't want to be, I am still reeling?

Is it all in my mind?

It isn't that I can't enjoy Wriggles in the present. I am and I do. When she pulled herself up holding on white-knuckled with concentration on the full length mirror and kissed her reflection, I nearly burst with pride, hilarity and delight. When she lobs Donkey at my head, I am there in the moment. I just can't put the past to bed and I really, really, really want to.


  1. im not going to say i have experience of your situation, because i dont, but how about writing a book? all your throughs, memorys, expereiences? or requesting your full hospital records, it might help having a hard copy, so you can move forward and not worry about forgetting the past as such. i got my records back from the hospital, i did a post about it
    just an idea. great blog x

  2. Hey hun, dont put pressure on yourself. Like all of us, you're going through the motions, you have good times and bad. How about you have a word with wriggles and tell her that you'd appreciate no more hospital admissions for the rest of the year. that would be a good start!

  3. You are still very early on in this journey and the NICU is understandingly, still fresh in your mind. Your time will come and (I'm told) healing will come. Each of us is different and I am still waiting on a lot of the healing. But I know it's getting better and we are almost to Jack's 3rd birthday. Maybe a few more years...

  4. Hey, don't be hard on yourself. you can't just snap your fingers, or wake up one day and you're completely over it. C is now 2.5yrs and although I feel I am 'over it' in a sense, there are scars that remain and every now and then there will be a little scab that gets picked and a wound feels fresh again (sorry for that disgusting analogy!). I still get it with C's CLD or even driving a certain part of the A5!!!

    The fact that you WANT to be over it shows that you are healing. To no longer want to be thinking about prematurity all day every day is a huge leap forward. However, it is part of you (and the rest of us) and it always will be. So don't give yourself a hard time - in your own time dear... x