How to Get Married

I am going to pause in my melancholy musings and share with you a genius book I have come across. One of my closest friends has just announced her engagement and I was looking for a suitable inexpensive gift. Anticipating she would be snowed under with toasters and bunches of flowers, I remembered a book that tickled me whilst working in a children's bookshop.

How To Get Married by Sally Lloyd-Jones and Sue Heap is a very useful book for anyone of any age looking to embark upon marriage. It has some very good tips which you might not have considered.

For example: "When you are choosing a Husband or a Wife you must be on your best behaviour. You can't be mean, you have to be nice. For instance no one will want to marry you if you gobble up all your sweets and don't offer any. Or if you pick your nose in front of them or yawn when they are talking. They won't ever want to see you again."

See, very useful advice. I don't recall picking my nose infront of the opposite sex, but I am feel sure I am quite territorial about my biscuits. Especially the chocolate ones. My getting married friend recently ate each and every single one of my macaroons when she visited. She only just redeemed herself by asking me to be a bridesmaid. Had she not done so, I would have been very cross and possibly sent her a bill for £1.69 to replace my snacks. I don't know whether to warn her fiancee or not about her biscuit thievary. I presume he has an inkling as they live together, and I do want to wear a nice dress.

In case you have been proposing to people for quite some time with little success and are very well behaved, polite and generous with all of your sweets then there is also a list for the hopeless:

One you have successfully snared the object of your affections, or at least, an object, you will need to plan your wedding. Again the book is full of handy hints and tips, some which you might not have thought of. Some of them are far cheaper than hiring out a castle and neatly side-step religious issues:

It also gives you some ideas for the clothing. Sometimes people are very misguided in their choice of wedding outfits, but if you follow this advice then you won't go wrong. Probably. 

• A pure white dress like the moon
• A wig
• Moustache
• Some shining armour
• Some ears, in case you are marrying a rabbit

Once you have dressed in the appropriate items, there is a VERY IMPORTANT BIT OF INFORMATION. It is one I have never thought about, but if I do ever get married will be at the forefront of my mind. After all the trouble of picking The One, you could be at terrible risk if the lighting or location is all Wrong. 

And very lastly, do remember that whatever you thought marriage was about, you do have a moral and social responsibility to please you friends and society. There is a code of conduct which Jane Austen, Cinderella, the Fairy Godmother and the like would be proud of...

Disclaimer: if you read this book and fail in any matrimonial adventures. I take no responsibility. At all. Even if you have had a bath and not dribbled your dinner down your chin. I have done both and read the book at least three times and am still Prince Charming-less. So there.