Tuesday, September 25


I have a bit of a confession. I think it's a bit shameful; though nothing in the slightest bit gossipy or interesting.

I have a perfectly adequate bedroom and a perfectly adequate bed. It is right next door to Wriggles' room and there is but a wall separating us. Theoretically.

Yet, since about the end of July, I have been choosing to sleep on an airbed on the floor of Wriggles nursery room. 

I moved in as a temporary measure before we ended up in hospital for the millionth time when she was poorly, as she needed monitoring very closely and was awake most of the night crying and coughing. Then, we we abruptly came out of hospital over a fortnight later complete with feeding tube, pump and equipment, it made sense to sleep in with her in case she gagged and was sick mid-night, or the machine started beeping or the feed ended, saving fumbling in the dark, walking into doors or missing any of these cues because I couldn't hear.

I think it's come to the point now, nearly a month after her PEG tube was placed that it is now more for my benefit and comfort than hers. If I was worried about noise, I have a baby monitor, and really my flat is not huge. I know she would be be quite fine if I wasn't there: it's me that might be a wreck. It sends me into a panic, the thought of being apart. Maybe that isn't entirely true: what I am scared of it that something will go wrong and I won't hear. When I am in touching distance of her, there is not a lot I miss. The slightest whimper and I can be there. If she rolls over and gets tangled in her tubing, I can drag myself about a metre to the left and untangle her. Simples.

But what if I didn't hear next door? What if she started labouring breathing? What if she was sick? What if she paused in breathing? What if, what if....so many what ifs. So many what ifs that are unlikely but still there. Because after the last two months, if it isn't a dead cert, then frankly I'm not interested. I don't care for your probablys, your averages, your statistics, your maybes. I want definites and I want to know that I will be in the right place and the right time. I am sick of taking chances and of looking at even minuscule risks. I am done with what feels like playing games with my little girl' health. 

I'm not sure it's healthy, but I'm not sure I can move back yet either.


  1. Gemma was still in our room until she got rid of her ng,so nearly 2 for the same reasons.so we would hear if she was coughing,choking,tangled in tube etc.
    The plus side of the peg I suppose is the tubing isn't all at her head but if wriggles is like her name suggests then tangling is still possible.
    Sam x

    1. Oh that's made me feel much better! Phew. Yes Wriggles is a massive wrigglebottom in her sleep. She did actually get royally tangled the other day in her nap, from top-to-toe she that is my excuse and I'm sticking with it!

    2. Do what is right for you. No excuses needed.
      Hope you not sore on the airbed tho:)

  2. My daughter slept in my double bed with me until she was 3 1/2 and there was no medical issue. When people raised eyebrows I said, she's a girl so she can sleep with me until she's 18 and leaves home if she wants to. At some point she wanted to move into her own room and I was ready to read in my own bed with the light on again. You stay in her room as long as you feel you need/want to. There is no right or wrong about sleeping arrangements for anyone. (Maybe teenage boys shouldn't sleep with their mothers though).

  3. I found your blog relatively recently, and I cannot tell you enough how amazing you sound. I think I read most of your other posts in about a month! My baby came at 33 weeks as I had preeclampsia. I thought I'd had a rough ride, but you and Wriggles (my boy's called Mr Wrigglyroo!, aka. Roo, aka Wrigglebottom) have really put what happened to me into a different context. The way you write about what's going on is the most engaging of all blogs I've come across, and so genuine. If you're ever not feeling strong, I can tell you from an outsider's point of view, you sound STRONG.

    In terms of this particular post, my feeling is that it is totally understandable that you are still in Wriggle's room. Noone who hasn't had your experience can understand (though they may empathise) with just how nerveracking it is to have seen your babe so vulnerable. And in your case, now that you CAN sleep next to your baby (how much did we all yearn to do that in the wards?), then I think it's totally reasonable that you still do so. I would.

  4. You will never get this time back. If this works for you, do it. You've proven you can overcome anything, at some point you will know it's right to be in different rooms, if that time isn't now, then there you go.
    I think you, as Wriggles parent, are the only one to know what is right.
    And, for what it's worth, this sounds right to me, I think I would make the same choice (although I might try and upgrade from an airbed!).

  5. oh sounds great to me, but i'd definitely get yourself a proper mattress! xxx

  6. Yep , bed upgrade. Smidge still sleeps in our room, every night!