Thursday, March 29

The Plot (What Plot?)

Oh dear.
I think I'm loosing it.
The plot that is. 
Jesus Christ, it's only tonsillitis and here I am carrying on as if it's some dreadful incurable disease.
This morning I came very close to handing in my notice at work and contemplating running away. Far far far far away, somewhere where there are no viruses and no responsibilities.
Its *only* tonsillitis. So is that why my daughter was blue lighted to hospital?
Am I overreacting? Have I gone mad? Has that last bit of sanity snapped and my sense of rationality gone completely awol?
The thing is, spending a long time desperately trying to syringe water (or any fluid) into your child who hasn't drank for hours does send you slightly mad. I know it's because she has a sore throat, nice mrs nurse. However, that does not help when she can not even keep down (or take in the first place) any pain relief let alone antibiotics or a teeny weeny sip of water. The glass half empty in me chuckles cynically saying "there goes patient months of building up willingness to try things orally, mwahahahah." Shut up, shut up, shut up.
Everything from NICU onwards has come tumbling back and hit me square in the face. How can I go out into the world and forget and just get on with things? I desperately want to claw back time that is slipping, nay, racing away. My job stresses me out but I am terrified of handing in my notice or requesting some time away to get my marbles together without it impacting on the short-term future on another job or not having a job and really struggling. Mental health is still such a taboo in the workplace, and unless your child has had the good grace to deviate from the norm, it is very hard to really understand. And should people make allowances? Should my boss wallpaper over any slip-ups I make? Is it my responsibility to do everyone and favour and just breathe, and let someone currently more competent do something? And if I did do that, what if I am less competent at home? What if I fall to pieces there? What if I have no money? What if I couldn't get any more work for a long time?

I've just had a breakthrough with a little spoon of ice cream for baby, and some happy tablets for myself. I still feel overwhelmed and scared. She has fallen asleep in her pushchair. I would like to full asleep on the sofa but am far too full of adrenaline to consider some shut eye.

Roll on Friday.


  1. Hey Hun... Gees turn my back for a minute and wriggles is up 2 her old tricks.. Worrying her rear old mother again
    With her antics. Tonsilitus can be a mean old virus can't it? And isn't wriggles's timing impeccable? The only advice that I have for u is what I do for myself when smidge is going down hill and on the cusp of hospital admission, it involves the enforcing of some firm boundaries in anxiety management.
    1. You must go to sleep. I find an angel sensor pad helps with this!! She's far too big for it really, but these devices are simply awesome, if there's any serious respiratory problem, the angel sensor pad really will let u know in a flash, so okay to sleep.
    2. Set boundaries for rests. Make up mind what is unreasonable bpm. I.e I am unhappy at 60. At this point I request g.p review, no matter how many times she's been seen already, and, no. I am not coming to your office.
    3. Obviously use ibobrufen and calpol to manage temp. Not because it's good for baby but because it manages anxiety.!! Always use preventatively.
    4. Keep a resp/ temp diary, review every three hours. Set alarm for in the night.

    I know these things may seem obvious but well worth it, there's nothing worse than feeling like u can't to anything.

    Hugs and prayers xx