Understanding

Recently, I have been thinking a lot about speech and understanding. 

Wriggles is not yet speaking, but quite a few of her contemporaries have begun to say first words (but they are not nearly as pretty or funny or clever...) and learn counting, names and commands. I am not really worried about the absence of speech, and neither is the speech and language therapist which is a good sign to me. The pair of us get by with a very one-sided conversation and generally by intuition, guess work and knowing her inside out, I can just about grasp what it is Wriggles is going on about as she sits there going "mmmmmaaaammmmmnnaaanannanamamammamggh" or words to such effect.

Signing has really made a difference recently. We started going to baby signing (derived from British Sign Language but with similarities to Makaton in that there is a lot of emphasis on speech accompanying the sign as it is to aide spoken language, not substitute) at 1 year old (9 months corrected) and finally at 18 months old, Wriggles signed "all gone" in context.

That was it for quite a while.

Around her, the other younger babies steamed ahead ticking off 5 signs, 10 signs, extra signs....

"All gone!"

And then suddenly out of nowhere we have had a burst of signs. It helps if you are really really observant and have a good knowledge of what the signs are to look out for. For instance, Wriggles' sign for spider, train and fish are all remarkably similar. Star is only differentiated from milk by how many hands are being used. Teddy, hug and baby are all given the same sign by Wriggles that is actually the 'real' BSL for change. I know exactly what she is going on about, but many may be mystified! She does know and can do the signs for most animals, but if she is tired then everything is divided into two categories: cat (small ears) or rabbit (big ears) which she often does one handed. All gone covers a range of phrases from all gone to go away, had enough, finished, shut, closed, don't want it, scared, upset, hiding and don't you dare come near me with that stethoscope. She knows the actions and orders to quite a few songs and will wiggle on command ("dance") as well as blow kisses, mimes tickling, claps herself and mime "Oh no!" and "yummy." She often babbles "mamammmamamamama" which is applied to everything in sight and everything not in sight, but has begun to touch the side of her head when I come into view which I am hoping is her approximation for "mummy" via signing, as the taught sign from class is three fingers in manner of a scout salute. It makes mealtimes a little more straightforward as rather than guessing solids/milk, Wriggles can now sign milk at me when wants it and when she is not up for it, which formerly had a higher incidence of gagging before she could sign.

She knows when she has been cheeky or clever and though doesn't always show much reaction to words, has a very strong visual memory as when we see something familiar, her little hands start clenching in excitement, or she hides behind my armpit depending on what it is. We read books an awful lot, and she knows the order of favourite books and has pictures which stick in the memory she will return to.


So there is clearly a decent enough level of understanding.

There are three things I am mulling over trying to enforce an understanding of or whether to leave it. She is now 19 months corrected and 22 months actual. The last I heard of it, she has been classified as 'globally delayed' although I am convinced her cognitive, social and problem solving skills are pretty much on track for corrected age at least and her fine motor skills are catching up quick. I'm not too concerned about speech as there is understanding present and some communication via signing, which leaves gross motor as the "problem" area. Sometimes, she seems quite young and sometimes far older and wiser. Anyway, what I have been wondering about is:


1. Her Story


How soon do you start explaining prematurity? Obviously in incredibly simplistic terms; 'small/poorly/early' seems a good beginning. She has seen pictures of herself since virtually birth but has never been interested enough to sit still for 2 seconds to see who the pictures are of. She is more interested though in the "term" pictures than neonatal ones. It is down to prematurity as to why to are in hospital such a lot and regularly see doctors and nurses. This is Wriggles' "normal", as she knows nothing different and does not yet have a sense of being any different to those she sees regularly. Not-yet-2 seems very young to grasp a history how you got here, but we know other little people either with or those expecting siblings, that grasp a vague concept of babies and others that know about caring for baby dolls and such similar emotive role playing.


2. The Entourage


Which leads us to the medical professionals. The person we see most is our physio lovely Gemma. Wriggles definitely recognises her and although she won't let her touch her feet, she will happily go to her. I often wonder, does she think she is a funny friend or does she know she is different? I have tried to vaguely explain Gemma comes to do exercises to help her legs so she can feel better but don't get a flicker of recognition or interest. Partly, breaking down the collection of professionals relies on recognising body parts, ailments and time frames. We are getting there on body parts (at least for nose, tummy and the other day, knees) but it has taken a long time for her to be aware of many limbs far less have names or uses for them. The only reason I have been wondering recently about being clearer about separating these people is that she is becoming increasingly aware by the name and quite clear about reactions to places, and I think sometimes it must be very bewildering to just be taken somewhere which either may be nice or may be upsetting or may be tiring. It might be for a short time (e.g. doctors) or might be overnight or longer (e.g. hospital!) but equally the same place (hospital) might be for a check-up or a social visit (e.g. NICU support group and an opportunity to butter up the nurses who remember her as a very fragile scrap). We've read books like Miffy Goes to Hospital and at least pointed at pictures and named key things, but judging by the lack of reaction, linking a connection between story and real life is too advanced. Although some books do elicit connections being made, relating to perhaps routine.


3. Feeding Hell


This is the biggie and the one that is closest to my heart, divides my brain most and is most pressing.
Given our recent ultimatum,time is of the essence and feeding either fluids or solids is really now very important to produce results and also maintain enjoyment and acceptance.
Do I carry on as normal, and then if there are negative consequences (feeding tube implemented or some hospital stays specifically for observing feeding patterns) have to then quickly find a way of describing it in ways a very little person can grasp?
Or do I try to introduce the subject without sounding too terrifying or like a threat? I don't want to scare the poor mite, but it is very unfortunate that at present she is being incredibly fussy about even the few things she would accept orally at a time when I really need her to be more open in order for us to stay off the dietician's radar as much as possible.
"Eat some yoghurt or someone'll put a tube down your nose" does not exactly conjure up a jolly mealtime to look forward to.


Visually presented, she does have a concept of what an NG tube is. I know this because in April when she was poorly and ended up on a drip in the end, when they tried to insert an NG tube, merry hell broke loose before they got within two feet of her with it and she was clearly absolutely terrified. 
I really really really REALLY do not want that to be a regular occurrence.
Obviously I am hoping it won't be.
But I do have to face up that either NG or PEG feeding may be a reality in the short term. She is a not a little baby anymore. She is aware of surroundings, has some sense of things to happen and has very clear triggers, visual stimulus and a surprisingly clear memory. 
When she was poorly very recently, I did try to reason with her (I say reason; I was literally sobbing in desperation trying to persuade her to at least part her lips to take just a 5ml syringe of water, hydration fluids, milk, juice, Calpol...anything) when she was becoming very dehydrated through refusal to take anything orally and the nurse was warning us that an NG tube was very much on the horizon as soon as the shifts changed over if progress had not been made. Maybe she took pity on me, maybe she just changed her mind, maybe she understood-but at 10pm that night, she finally took some fluids for the first time in 24 hours.
Now that was an extreme situation. We were both displaced, tense, she was very ill and I was very upset. Crying at teatime is not an everyday occurrence and it is not going to become one. I don't want to sound like I am regularly making threats, but should I refer to the prospect of tube feeding in the future? Or should I just leave things relaxed and then think on my feet if it comes to that?



Who would be a parent, eh?!

Quavergate

So we're coming to the end of the first week on our whizzy new high calorie potion, Paediasure Plus. If I can find the strength enthusiam will time, then I may take Wriggles to the hallowed Baby Clinic for a weigh-in next Tuesday to see if it may be working. Then again I may not seeing as she spent the best part of a week drinking next to nothing, let alone eating. And the eating bit is not yet back on track. We are back to what I refer to (mainly to myself; I am getting quite used to having inner monologues) as Quavergate.

Wriggles really likes Quavers.

(I have developed a new tolerance for Quavers as a result.)

It helps if they are proper Quavers too, rather than own brand Cheesy Curls or whatnot.

Quavers first came into our life as one of the many helpful suggestions from other parents when no one medical was taking us very seriously that at nearly a year old, my child was still eating nothing and have seemingly developed cutlery-phobia even if I was the one using them for me. I appealed to the wise people on the Bliss message board community and received some very reassuring responses and suggestions of things to try. Melt-in-the-mouth type snacks, whether your earth-mother-friendly Organix type no-salt-sugar-additives-flavour-guilt-free puffed carrot sticks, or the more common Quaver, Skips or Wotsit were suggested to help her oral skills and give her something to hold, if she so wished. She didn't. There was one blissful moment of curiosity just before her first birthday, never to be repeated for months. I didn't forget though, and made sure my cupboards resembled a well-stocked Asda just in case she ever felt tempted by anything that wasn't out of a bottle.

Around a year corrected, teething was immensely helpful. I don't think you hear that phrase very often. I do believe though, that as well as general development, accumulating trust, etc, that the desire to gnaw generally anything not nailed down to relieve her poor gums, really did help. Because suddenly the very small circle of things that she would mouth (her fingers, my fingers, the tip of my nose, her dummy, Christmas Hedgehog's nose, Mouse, her favourite rattle but not any other rattle, rattly Frog's leg) expanded to include other rattles, books, toes, blocks, the edge of a cushion, paper, cardboard, bath toys and BREADSTICKS. Hallelujah! Although she didn't swallow or 'eat' them, she did chew on them which marked our first real breakthrough in anything not related to fromage frais.

Then, at around 13 and a bit months corrected we started going to a hydrotherapy group for early years run by our physio and some of her colleagues in speech therapy, social work and education. After a hydrotherapy session in the pool, there was snack time. They put out some very baby un-friendly (Annabel Karmel would recoil in shock) such as Quavers, pink wafers and cake as well as banana and fromage frais pots. These foods were specially picked as they are particularly good for developing oral motor skills, especially as every child attending has some level of feeding problems. Week by week, Wriggles slowly consented to touching, then holding, then licking and then tasting. It wasn't until about the last week at around 15 months corrected that she ate one, which was massive cause for celebration. SALT were very pleased too, as it proved that she could develop the motor skills which boded well for the future.

For a while she ate nothing but Quavers.

Considering she ate very little anyway and still battled with reflux, this wasn't super news.

I was over the moon she was gaining in curiosity about foods (well, one food) and branching out, but was a little concerned that Quavers contain very little nutritional value or many calories. Weeks dragged on. It felt like years. If I withheld the Quavers, she ate nothing. Not even a fail-safe fromage frais. Bitterly I recalled the SALT wittering on "Oh try Quavers, they're great at developing feeding skills." I'll stuff you full of Quavers, you silly old bat, I thought. Quavergate was in full swing.

Of course, in true baby style, just when I was teetering on the edge of complete despair, considering sending hate mail to Walkers and wondering if I would ever be able to start a meal without a little yellow foil bag, then she suddenly ate a whole petit filous, tried some fruit puree, wolfed down some custard and sucked my hot cross bun (not all at once. That is the stuff of dreams, dear reader).

I know now that Quavergate #2 is a shadow of it's former hold. She is still recovering after feeling grim; today is after all the first day in a week where using the inhaler hasn't been a necessity. We all, adults and children alike, feel horrid after being poorly and can eat atrociously. If Quavers are her comfort food and give her a sense of Independence, who am I to argue? They are after all, 88 calories per bag versus 64 calories of the Organix Goodies range. Those 24 calories sound ridiculous, but in our quest to stay on the same line on the dratted growth chart, I will take those 24 thank you very much. I might even have them with added Quavers.

Mixed Feelings

This week several things happened which I have very mixed emotions about. None of them are huge things and were all things I either half-expected or knew was going to happen.

Following a letter from the council telling me that in line with new government regulations my rent would be going up nearly £10 a week which is quite a lot in my budget, I have caved in and applied for some housing benefit. Although my flat is privately owned, it is council managed. The rent between two people would be quite reasonable, but as I am only one and not on a huge wage, any increases are more than usually unwelcome. I have thought about it on and off since Wriggles was born and I knew I would be a single parent, but with working part-time and topping up with tax credits, I have been proud that so far I have been able to manage and cover it all. It made me feel more independent and that I was doing something good for my family. With an increase though and none in my wages, it is just too tight and I need some help until Wriggles is older and I can work more. At present even if I took on extra hours, the cost of childcare will render these useless especially with no local family to soak up babysitting duties. Plus I would be (more) shattered. Although I'm relieved to have such a system available when people do just need a helping hand, I wish it wasn't me having to use it. I know it's not forever, it just feels like falling into another stereotype.

When I got back from doing this at the library, I found a letter I have been expecting since October. It is Wriggles' referral to Speech and Language, announcing a home visit in just under a fortnight.