Happy

This evening, I was baking cakes (it has to be plural as my success rate in the baking department is highly variable. Tonight it was mercifully two out of three), jiggling around wearing an apron to some favourite music and realised that I was feeling something I perhaps hadn't felt massively for a while when on my own:

Happy. 

Content. 

Not sad. 

Not scared. 

Not anxious.

Not regretful. 

Not guilty. 

Not remorseful.

Just pleasantly chilled and covered in flour.

When I am with my little girl, I am generally fine. It is when she goes to bed, that the thoughts come tumbling out one by one ambushing me until I feel like keeling over with the weight of it all. Everything becomes mammoth, everything becomes my fault. My strength drains away and I have no will. But tonight, I feel light. Light and fluffy and hopefully the cakes in the oven!

Some good moments from our week:

Hedgehog comes for a day out

Definitely NOT afraid of the big bad (stuffed) wolf

"Helping" sorting out for the Tiny Lives sale fundraiser for our NICU

Cardigan

Today I went to see the psychologist I have known since neonatal who has given me counselling and been somewhat of an extra helping hand for me. At low points in the past she has taken charge and sorted things out with my GP to kick-start more help and has offered in the past to help with things in a non-professional environment like watching Wriggles or doing some ironing. We get on well and I think she takes joy from seeing Wriggles growing up into the menace/delight that she now is. I told her how I had been feeling recently again, and we talked about ways to try and un-knot the knots that are stopping me in my tracks. She referred to them as "grounding" and a cross between meditative exercises and a comforting device.