How to be a nasty mummy

1. Bribe your child out the house with the lure of going to the swings when actually you need to get the flu jab for the both of you.

2. Ensure a heavy surprise rain shower happens, thus quelling any playground antics.

3. Realise you have left your pushchair raincover and umbrella roughly by your front door, now at least 20 minutes walk away.

4. Given that it is that seasonal time of year for flu jabs, try and arrange said jab in the same week as your child's blood test which has left a nasty bruise to maximise any misery.

5. Stop child from escaping out the doctor's surgery every 30 seconds.

6. Get blasted jabs. Administer Calpol immediately but don't let your 2 year old draw up the syringe for being-in-public-and-wanting-clean-trouser-related reasons. Cue tantrum.

7. Let small child menace toys in doctors for a few minutes to calm down. Ensure child has an argument with a plastic chair. Step in to admonish chair and pacify small child. Cue tantrum #2.

8. Go for lunch. Cue tantrum #3.

9. Try and pick a cafe with a liberal escape-promoting highchair. Don't let your child repeatedly try to escape out of it.

10. Refuse to let toddler touch a piping hot steam-emitting sandwich RIGHT NOW for safety reasons. Cue tantrum #4. Try to explain loudly exactly why for the benefit of people sat around you, all exchanging looks about that poor un-fed baby.

11. Blow on sandwich and when appropriate give small piece. Try to keep eye rolling to a minimum as pieces of your lunch go flying.

12. Attempt to encourage eating and actively attempt to feed small child. Cue tantrum #5. Give up.

13. Borrow book from the basket of child-friendly distraction devices. Pick the wrong book.

14. No small child, you are not going to fling this china tea cup what does not belong me to.

15. Admit defeat and rally troops for return home. When coaxing loopy toddler into coat, try and lightly nip fingers wildly waving around in the zip. If this fails first time, try again.

16. Pretend you can't see everyone else in cafe now averting theirs eyes to your screaming child.

17. GO HOME. Make sure your toddler is exhausted but refusing to sleep. If your child doesn't understand this concept, by all means Wriggles is happy to hand out tips.

18. Put the kettle on. Wrestle toddler into cot.

19. Ignore washing pile and the sea of destruction around you that happened at breakfast.

20. Realise you have forgotten anything useful from the shops such as washing up liquid and toilet paper. Look wistfully at cupboard containing emergency rum.