Confession

I have a bit of a confession. I think it's a bit shameful; though nothing in the slightest bit gossipy or interesting.

I have a perfectly adequate bedroom and a perfectly adequate bed. It is right next door to Wriggles' room and there is but a wall separating us. Theoretically.

Yet, since about the end of July, I have been choosing to sleep on an airbed on the floor of Wriggles nursery room. 

I moved in as a temporary measure before we ended up in hospital for the millionth time when she was poorly, as she needed monitoring very closely and was awake most of the night crying and coughing. Then, we we abruptly came out of hospital over a fortnight later complete with feeding tube, pump and equipment, it made sense to sleep in with her in case she gagged and was sick mid-night, or the machine started beeping or the feed ended, saving fumbling in the dark, walking into doors or missing any of these cues because I couldn't hear.

I think it's come to the point now, nearly a month after her PEG tube was placed that it is now more for my benefit and comfort than hers. If I was worried about noise, I have a baby monitor, and really my flat is not huge. I know she would be be quite fine if I wasn't there: it's me that might be a wreck. It sends me into a panic, the thought of being apart. Maybe that isn't entirely true: what I am scared of it that something will go wrong and I won't hear. When I am in touching distance of her, there is not a lot I miss. The slightest whimper and I can be there. If she rolls over and gets tangled in her tubing, I can drag myself about a metre to the left and untangle her. Simples.

But what if I didn't hear next door? What if she started labouring breathing? What if she was sick? What if she paused in breathing? What if, what if....so many what ifs. So many what ifs that are unlikely but still there. Because after the last two months, if it isn't a dead cert, then frankly I'm not interested. I don't care for your probablys, your averages, your statistics, your maybes. I want definites and I want to know that I will be in the right place and the right time. I am sick of taking chances and of looking at even minuscule risks. I am done with what feels like playing games with my little girl' health. 

I'm not sure it's healthy, but I'm not sure I can move back yet either.