Not Fair

We all get angry. Anger is part of what makes us human, albeit it a less pleasant trait. We all have tempers which we all loose. Saints excepted. 

At the moment I feel very very angry and frustratingly have nothing to blame or take out my anger on. I'm not even convinced that it is even anger through and through, just that I am feeling close to The Brink again and anger is the nearest emotion to express myself right now. We have just been through another hospital-based saga and I am feeling very tired and very lost.

Obviously I don't want to take it out on my little girl. Neither do I particularly want to take it out on myself.

So what?

Cry hot tears in the shower?

Throw things?

Sulk?

Swear?

Ignore the washing up and eat cold beans out of a tin?

Stamp my feet?

There isn't something I feel angry at. Just life. Just another 3 days watching my daughter helplessly in hospital when yet again a cold sent her in for emergency treatment. It was the 12th or 13th admission, not counting the countless other times we have loitered about for a few hours having a whiff of oxygen here, an antibiotics prescription there... I am so fed up of how things pan out. So fed up that a cold at 2 years old still equals a few days watching my child struggle. Watching doctors worryingly count her breathing from the other side of the room, lest they upset her and exacerbate the problem. Watching people tick off ideas that may or may not work. Watching her little face in pain, fear and confusion. What is happening now? Why can't I protect you, little girl? I wish I could.

I am fed up of not knowing, not being able to do anything and sick of extortionately priced hospital shops. I am fed up of drugs rounds, of over boiled vegetables and not being at home. I am fed up of being anxious. I am fed up of feeling sick with adrenaline and then not being able to come down for days or weeks afterwards before crashing and feeling so drained all I want to do is curl up in the dark. I am fed up of being catapulted into fear when the machines beep. I am fed up of not knowing what is "the best". I am fed up of seeing my daughter in pain or unwell. I am fed up of not being able to explain to her. I am fed up of being in and out of hospital when there is so much else we could be doing. I am fed up of hospital demolishing my confidence and feeling like it belittles how far we have come. I am fed up of it mucking up worked-for routines that suit our lives and having to cancel both important things and fun things.

It is not fair.